A second-half comeback wasn’t enough for the ridiculously named Muggsy Bogues FC to beat fans’ favourites Kings Arsenal, on Sunday.

The Kings raced into a 6-2 lead, but decided to make a game of it after the break by letting the Premiership’s bottom feeders back into the encounter.

After last week’s glut of drop outs, Kings Arsenal fielded a familiar looking line up and even had Luke Tinklin back in between the sticks for the second match in a row.

Oscarin Castiblanco was making a welcome return, even though he kept playing in defence during the opening period rather than up front where all Kings Arsenal aficionados want to see him play.

For some, it was their first match in weeks, but it didn’t take the Kings long to rediscover their swagger as they cut Muggsy to shreds with some smart interplay.

They were soon a few goals to the good and the lead came from an unlikely source as Roberto Ekesi found the net, not once, but twice, with two clinical finishes at the far post.

Chris Calaharn, back from popping over to Colombia for a couple of weeks, increased the advantage, on his way to a hat-trick, by tapping in a Mark Tinklin pull back and Oscar registered his first goal of 2012.

However, Kings Arsenal aren’t known for making things easy for themselves and let Muggsy Bogues back into the game in bizarre circumstances.

First, a Muggsy was given a free run in on goal and found the bottom corner and they pulled another back thanks to some typically comical Kings defending.

Luke made a save at the edge of the box, but couldn’t get it clear, neither could Mark or James Payne, and the two defenders could only watch on helplessly as the ball trickled over the goal line.

A goalkeeping error at the other end allowed Mark to make amends straight away when he disposed the wayward stopper and found the bottom corner from down town.

When the referee’s half-time whistle went, the Kings were 6-2 up and seemingly just another 20 minutes away from a routine victory.

However, a comfortable win just isn’t the Kings Arsenal way and it was time to let Muggsy Bogues back into the game, just to make things interesting.

Slack defending from Oscar and Roberto was punished by a quick-fire brace and Muggsy thought they were in with a shout.

Meanwhile, Kings Arsenal were enjoying the majority of possession and they got a decisive seventh goal, but in a style that bore little resemblence to the flowing football of the first half.

James Britton, after working off his American Christmas in the first half, crossed from the right, the ball hit a few dozen defenders and there was Chris to turn in his third of the game.

Never one to miss a cliché, this writer will say it was a real poacher’s effort and in addition to the hat-trick for Chris, it was a third assist of the evening for James.

The match may now have been won, but there was still time for another, memorable defensive lapse, as Luke decided against playing a simple, one-yard square pass to Mark on the edge of the box, opting instead to pass it to an unmarked Muggsy attacker – he scored.

Gary Neville would not have been impressed.

That made it 7-5 and it should have been nine for the Kings, but physics decided to keep two thunderous Oscar efforts out of the net, when the ball hit the bar and bounced on the goal-line twice in quick succession.

The win means Kings Arsenal are unbeaten in 2012 and are fourth with three games left of the mini-season, four points away from top and four points clear of last.

*Events may have happened in a different order than described. Blame the crack in space time that has opened above the tv.

The defending at times was as bad as this:

The game started as last week had ended, with a slightly scrappy edge to it, neither team settling on the ball for any significant period of time. The pitch was moist and in some corners as wet as an otters pocket and whilst this made for slippy conditions this wasn’t quite enough reason for the poor play. Kings Arsenal started the brighter but, perhaps anxious to get the win some poor first touches didn’t allowed them the time to form any cohesion or rhythm. Like a parking school for women, mistakes dominated and there was a tetchiness in the air that was reflected when Britton and Oscar had words about something fairly insignificant. With keeper Luke still injured, Captain Tinklin started between the sticks and came forward willingly. Kings rotated the keeper throughout the game and having a ‘sweeper’ worked well. There were a refreshing number of attacks sprung from the foot of whoever happened to be in goal at the time, though it will be a test to get away without having a regular keeper in the top flight and there will be sterner tests ahead than a slightly one dimensional ‘Runners Up’. How is that knee coming along Luke?!

Whilst Kings Arsenal were beginning to dominate proceedings, they still couldn’t get the opening goal that would settle their nerves. Chances came and went for Britton, Cahalarn and Oscar in quick succession but poor finishing kept the game a tight and cagey affair. Eventually excellent persistence from Oscar saw him turn past one defender and smash a powerful finish past the Runner Up goalie for his 16th goal of a productive campaign. With minutes to go this goal seemed to liven things up for the Kings and they pushed on for a second. Despite further incisive passing and a more vocal approach from the Kings, the Runners Up increased their slightly cynical and physical approach to thwart any further Kings goals. 1-0 at the break and half time was full of positive chat. “Let’s keep pressing them, they will tire and then we can pass them into a state of short-term sleep. Once asleep use the carpet that Luke has brought down, wrap them up, into the back of Chris’ car and then we can release them into the Thames….”. At least that’s what I think Captain Tinklin said. It inspired me anyway.

Britton started off the pitch for the second half allowing new boy Roberto to come on and Chris opted to take his turn in goal, with founder Jim P returning to the action. Providing a calming influence, Jim P ensured that despite being only 1-0 up, it was a more relaxed Kings Arsenal that started the second period. At last beginning to play solely in their opponents half, chances were coming thick and fast now, with the Runners Up harried and pressed into mistake after mistake. It was like we had given Professor Stephen Hawkins a really powerful wheelchair but then only given him say, the fruit and vegetable section of the Sainsbury’s in Wandsworth to play in. We had then poured olive oil, the expensive stuff too, on the floor and then turned the lights off. Fruit was flying everywhere, Kiwi’s were rolling into the frozen food section and the store manager had been called. Kings Arsenal ran from that potential minefield and concentrated on winning the game. Luckily in the meantime Runners Up hadn’t scored, possibly too shocked at the poor treatment of a world-renowned Professor of science to worry about scoring.

Still only 1-0, Britton returned to the field determined to put these sleepy opponents to bed. Oh, that’s bad even for me. Captain Tinklin had by now got himself used to being out on pitch and was beginning to ping the sort of passes around that he is known for. A peach of a through ball took a hop, skip and a jump off the still wet tiger turf and threatened briefly to run away from the onrushing Britton. A languid flick of the left foot later and the ball had been dispatched past the opposition keeper and at last Kings Arsenal had got their vital 2nd goal. 2-0 up now and Runners Up were beginning to metamorphose themselves into the 7 dwarfs being as they were now both sleepy and grumpy.

2-0 became 3-0 when Britton robbed one of their more annoying players (for the record two of their players upset my usual calm nature, one ruffling my hair in the first half and the second because he was wearing studded Puma Kings which were deserving of a much better owner). The ball ran loose towards the opposition goalkeeper and as he hesitated, Britton ran through and made it 3-0 with his 18th goal of the season.

Now a more relaxed Kings Arsenal, the last ten minutes of the game saw us play some delightful football, with Oscar and Britton combining to set up Cahalarn for his 9th goal of the season. Tinklin and James P were now marshalling the few attacks that Runners Up could muster away to safety, whilst Oscar, Cahalarn and Roberto took care of attacking a Runners Up defence that was by now lacking morale and probably wishing they could help Professor Hawkins in his twisted supermarket sweep(up) game. He was making a terrible mess.

Britton took his turn between the sticks though still took the opportunity to abuse this position of significant responsiblity by running upfield, past a couple of challenges and then squaring to Cahalarn for his 10th of the season, a bullet of a shot high into the roof of the net. The game was played out at a slower pace and whilst it was Oscar, twisting and turning with the efficiency of a fully charged Black & Decker electric screwdriver, it was left to his friend Roberto to complete the scoring when he capitalised on shocking defending to shoot home left footed.

So, in the end a satisfying 6-0 win that takes us back to the Premier division, where I would suggest we belong after scoring 75 goals in ten games. A clean sheet to boot, our first of the season and of 2011? We will need a regular keeper, Davide and possibly one other strong regular to compete in the Premier but now have a week to sort this out, surely more than enough time for Captain Mark to work his magic?!

The 3rd goal was in fact quite glorious in it’s build up. A cross field floated ball from James P (I think) was about to land on Britton’s head before he twisted with his back to goal and balletically controlled the ball on his chest, then knee, before dropping a shoulder and pushing more centrally. Still with back to goal Britton spotted the barnstorming run of Manager Tinklin. Threading the porky spherical plaything through the eye of a needle, the cross-field ball eluded two Womtner players before reaching it’s destination. With an angle tighter than a Scotsman at the bar, more obtuse than a Polish builder and more impossible than Mission Impossible 2 (full Director cut and extras) Tinklin blasted past the previously reliable Womtner keeper and into the bottom corner of the net to cap a classic breakaway goal. It was rebound tastic and Womtner were finally broken. Broken back mountain. Broken remote, broken controller for your Xbox, broken microwave, just very frustratingly broken and with no Mr Fixit in sight.

Kings Arsenal moved back into the promotion places in the penultimate game of the autumn season with a scrappy 3-2 win over Womtner Wanderers.

Goals from James Payne, James Britton and Mark Tinklin were enough to see of the Wanderers, who despite dominating possession for much of the match, only really had two shots on target.

The Kings took the lead when James P reacted quickest to an Oscarin Castiblanco throw, James B put them back ahead with a tap in after more good work from Oscar and Mark won it with a first time strike, following a Britton throw-in.

Tinklin’s finish was a bit like this famous goal below, just without the glorious build up:

Kings Arsenal hold a one point lead over third place Werde Beermen going into the final game of the season against The Runners Up, who were dispatched 8-4 when the two sides met earlier in the mini-season.

Kings Arsenal recovered from four goals down to record a remarkable draw against Championship pacesetters Allstars.

The Kings fell 6-2 behind at the start of the second half, but fought back to tie 7-7 thanks to hat-tricks from Oscarin Castiblanco and debutant Toby Webber.

Allstars went two ahead early in the contest with a pair of powerful drives from range, but Kings’ persistence was rewarded with two goals of their own.

The five of Mark Tinklin, Luke Tinklin, Stewart Coombs, Oscar and Toby were on the wrong side of the possession stats and went into the interval 4-2 down.

Oscar got the first for the Kings and Mark netted the second, however Luke, playing his second game between the sticks since his knee injury, made at least one good save to preserve the deficit.

The second half didn’t start well, Allstars scored twice, but the Kings kept going and new arrival Toby ran through several defenders on the way to his three goal haul.

Mark hit the cross bar after putting the goalkeeper on the floor and was thankful when Oscar scored his second from the following play.

The little Argentine, grabbed an unlikely leveller in the dying minutes, contorting to turn home a volley from a tight angle.

Kings Arsenal arrived at the ground to a torrential downpour and three players. As Mark, James Britton and new, gumtree inspired goalkeeping candidate Kofi Kankam stood in the downpour, further troops were apparently on their way. Mark offered to start the game with three, but the official said that she would have to ‘call’ the game and that we’d lose 3-0. She clearly had never played football before. Bad attitude. Angry. Probably a Liverpool fan. Or a lesbian. Or both. I imagine that if you combined the two you would get Fernando Torres, with those silly blonde streaks. Food for thought.

Mark recruited two random and rather ‘likely looking’ lads from reception who had just played a game in the top division and the game began. Kings started with a very new looking five against the opposition who sported no less than 36 substitutes. A generously proportioned team, I suspect at least three of them had been part of some sort of government breeding programme to encourage the growth of abnormally large boys for use on farms and foreign wars. Either way they stood between Kings Arsenal and a victory and had to be dispatched.

Despite the new faces, Kings quickly took advantage of a lack of assertiveness in the opposition ranks to race into a two goal lead. Firstly interplay between Tinklin and the new lad number 1 resulted in the ball falling to Britton who advanced and passed to new boy 2 who finished with aplomb, a nice curling effort into the bottom corner. The second goal arrived shortly after, again Tinklin and Britton combining and new boy number 1 this time finishing adeptly. 2-0 and the boys with big hands could be confused they were back at the lab being probed by men in white coats. Except this time it was strategically insightful passing that eased pass their defenses rather than metallic foreign bodies pushed by the forceful hands of army scientists. We digress.

2-0 became 3-0 when Tinklin latched onto further uncertain defending to beat an increasingly startled looking opposition keeper. The new boys were increasingly influential, however this manifested itself in both positive and negative ways. Perhaps when they both entered the pitch smoking we first had our first doubts about their attitude. They put the cigarettes out but did not extinguish their appetite for challenging the referee at any given opportunity. More to follow.

So far so good then, though a brief uprising in the opposition saw them score a couple of defensively weak goals from a Kings Arsenal perspective. We really do need a keeper week in week out. Kofi made a few cracking saves but then also conceded a few very soft efforts. In his defence he was learning the rules and also playing in a new team, who in turn had two new players that day. Kings Arsenal swotted away the brief challenge from the opposition and further attacking brought another Kings goal, 4-2 at half time.

Half time was full of positive chat and Chris had turned up to give us 3 players who knew each others names. The second half saw the two new lads get increasingly angry with themselves, the referee and perhaps life itself. Having played earlier in the day, smoked around 40 cigarettes and chased coke cans around the car park, presumably, it was naturally understandable that they tired in the second half.

The opposition pounced on this fatigue like Stephen Hawkins’ carer following the particularly arduous task of the Professor peeling a bannana. Punishing Kings Arsenal at every opportunity, the opposition, previously large but cumbersome, became large, cumbersome and slightly more dangerous, like Dawn French being given a flick knife perhaps. Or the Gladiator Wolf being put in a wheel barrow at the top of a hill and then just let go, with kids about and stuff. Why Ant and Dec thought that would make good TV I’ll never understand. And I thought Ant was meant to be blind? He seems able enough. Consistency. That’s all we ask for.

Through a lack of marking, weak goalkeeping and the larger than life referee introducing ‘twat’ into his personality make up, a 4-2 lead became a 6-4 deficit. Shambles.

However Kings Arsenal had 3 minutes left and that’s enough time to both save and lose a game, as history has told us (see previous match reports). Annoyed with themselves but forging more closely as a team, Kings Arsenal pushed on. Some excellent interplay saw the opposition goalkeeper scrambling a shot away only for it to land at Britton’s feet. Threading a ball through the eye of a needle is not usually Britton’s strong point and on this occasion that was the case also, however brute force saw the ball squirm past a host of opposition defenders on the goal line. 6-5.

With seconds to go, Chris had a guilt edge chance to score but put the ball wide. Not happy with this, Chris then tracked back and appeared to give away a penalty…..however the referee waved play on and Chris turned defence into attack. New boy 2 picked up the ball and saw Britton’s run beyond the opposition defenders. A pin point ball saw the opportunity arrive on a golden plate and a spin, a swerve and a bit of a wobble saw Britton slot home past a keeper who was hit for 6. Literally. Do you see what I did there?

So, 6 a piece, the usually polite boys of Kings Arsenal learned some new swear words from a couple of likely lads who did us a huge favour for not only turning out but scoring a couple and setting a couple up. Cheers boys it was appreciated.

Next week we look forward to welcoming a few more friendly and recogniseable faces and answering the question; “If Andy Peters is gay, does that make any of the Blue Peter badges he handed out less valuable?” It’s a tricky one isn’t it?

Cheers all

James (2 goals, 2 assists, wasn’t really counting)

Kings Arsenal got the win they needed on the final day, avoiding relegation for a second successive season.

However, the 11-8 win over Al Nakhla, who did suffer the indignity of two straight relegations, proved to be irrelevant.

Womtner Rovers needed to better Kings Arsenal’s result to avoid the drop themselves, but they didn’t turn up, handing the Championship title to Potters House.

Potters House were given a 3-0 victory, winning the second tier crown on goal difference ahead of Porters Legacy, by a single goal.

Kings Arsenal were able to field a seven-man squad for the first time in recent memory, but kept conceding to Al Nakhla immediately after scoring.

The first three Al Nakhla goals came in identical fashion as the right-back overlapped and struck across Luke Tinklin in goal.

Fortunately Oscarin Castiblanco was on fire and finished the end-to-end encounter with seven goals to his name.

Chris Cahalarn netted twice, but missed two sitters, James Britton bagged one and James Payne scored a goal to remember, finding the bottom corner from the half-way line.

Kings Arsenal took control in the second half, but there was still time for a classic Luke gaffe.

The injury-prone goalkeeper tried to pick out one of the many team-mates who had scampered upfield, only to find an Al Nakhla attacker, lurking on the edge of the box.

On Sunday Kings Arsenal led the side second in the league, only to concede two late goals in a 3-2 defeat.

Although it was a defeat that wasn’t without controversy, but we’ll come to that later.

And the week before a rampant Kings Arsenal were 5-2 up against the league leaders.

It finished 5-5.

The four dropped points would have kept Kings Arsenal clear of any final day relegation drama.

However, they now sit just one solitary point above the dreaded drop zone.

Two weeks ago Kings Arsenal raced into a seemingly unassailable lead against Potters House thanks to a high pressing game and some Oscarin Castiblanco magic.

But alas the energy of their three half-time substitutes could not be matched and a late Luke Tinklin gaff gifted the league leaders a draw.

Luke had made several vital saves, only for a recurrence of his troublesome knee injury to prevent him from out jumping the smallest player on the pitch, who couldn’t miss when presented with an empty net.

And it was a lack of reinforcements that proved fatal on Sunday as Porters Legacy – the first team ever to play in luminous cycling jersies, complete with zips – recovered a two goal deficit.

They took the lead early on, but the Kings rallied and controlled the rest of the first half, going into the break a goal to the good, thanks once again to Argentine goalhound Oscar.

Now here comes the controversy.

First, the referee that will forever be known as ‘The Fat Ref’ brought the first half to an early end because he’d arrived late, much to the chagrin of Chris Cahalarn.

Then, with time running out the ludicrously kitted Porters Lodge grabbed, no, stole a winner, racing through to score after the goalkeeper had illegally restarted play with a drop kick.

“I didn’t see it,” said The Fat Ref.

With one game left kings Arsenal have their destiny in their own hands and face a team in Al Naklha they have beaten in each of the last four meetings.

Al Nakhla have only won once this season and the team directly beneath kings Arsenal face an uphill task if they are to avoid dropping into the third tier.

Womtner Wanderers must better Kings Arsenal’s result, but face leaders Porters House, who need victory themselves in order to win the league.

Kings Arsenal’s displays this season have shown they should be too good to go down (for the second time in successive seasons), but too often we have only had five, or even fewer, players available.

Breaking News: Pitch Invasion have revealed that the referee in question will be monitored in future games.

Kings Arsenal wilted under the heat of the hottest day of the year, going down 6-3 to Banter Bus on Sunday afternoon.

As the mercury hit 30 degrees the Kings Arsenal engine overheated, while the air conditioned Banter Bus stayed cool beneath the scorching sun.

Only five Kings made it to the field of play and despite their bravery they sorely missed the rest bite a substitute would have provided.

Luke Tinklin was back in goal and he looked wistfully at his gloves when he was beaten for the first.

Soon it was 2-0 to Banter Bus and they went it cruise control following a solo effort that veered straight through the Kings midfield.

However, as the first half progressed Kings Arsenal started to get a foothold in the game and Davide Domenghini pulled a goal back just before the break.

And the goal lifted the Kings for the second period and they took the game to Banter Bus in search of a leveller.

First Oscarin Castiblanco, then Chris Cahalarn and then Stewart Coombs went close, but it was Davide who rifled in the equalising goal.

However, having given so much to bring the match back to all square, the weary Kings switched off at the restart allowing Banter Bus to hit back straight away.

Banter Bus had made it 3-2 within moments of Kings Arsenal tying the score and the match was effectively over.

There was a painful moment for Stew when he gave the ball away in front of his own in costly fashion, but there were no hard feelings from his team-mates because the defender had already made countless last gasp tackles.

Davide got a goal back for the Kings before the final whistle blew and the sun baked Kings could find some shade, have a drink and a much needed rest.

With just three games remaining Kings Arsenal need another win to ensure survival.

Womtner Wanderers, much improved following their recent Premiership escapades, were on the receiving end of a vintage first half display as the Kings ran out 7-4 victors.

Kings Arsenal have now gone three games unbeaten and a couple more wins should consolidate mid-table obscurity following a horrendous start to life in the second tier.

Despite spells of superb passing football, aided by runs into space, the Kings owed much to the heroics of Joe Kellam in goal and an excellent display from the returning Paul Jenkins.

Playing in a more withdrawn role then usual, because Davide was drunk (what would Roberto Mancini think?), PJ ran the show, providing some much needed composure at the back.

Kings Arsenal were already 1-0 down when goalkeeper Joe turned up, but his arrival heralded the first half dominance and his sprawling second half saves secured the win.

In attack, hardworking front duo Oscarin Castiblanco and Chris Cahalarn were the stars of show.

They are becoming a potent partnership and combined for several goals and assists, although it was Oscar, who looks a bit like Fulham striker Andy Johnson, who scored the pick of them.

In the first half the diminutive Argentine rattled a fierce shot into the top corner and drbbled from deep before hitting the back of the net thanks to a deflection, to quash Womtner’s second half fight-back.

James Payne scored a tap in, but missed another soon after that would have rounded off an incisive sweeping move.

Even Davide, who’s form couldn’t match his inebriated good spirits, was on target as Kings Arsenal survived a second half revival to run out 7-4 winners.